Northwest Missourian Opinion

Before I start, I should say that I am blaming COVID-19 on the band Disturbed because “Down with Sickness” must be responsible for this in some way.

The day starts with me hitting the snooze. The incredibly small amount of motivation to get out of bed in the morning for class has somehow lessened during this time of social distancing. I must get up and walk to the next room to grab my laptop, which I intentionally left in the other room after watching that documentary series about murder, mullets and a man with a love for large jungle cats that is somehow wilder than what is happening in the world right now. I am of course talking about “Garfield.”

The laptop was placed in the room adjacent to my bedroom to provide me with a reason to leave the comfort of my resting place before noon. Sitting through a Zoom class is what the Catholics would call purgatory; the DMV blushes at how boring it is.

Once my expensive education has been completed for the day over a free service, it’s time to wander to the kitchen for the best part of the day. Most of my life has consisted of me waiting for my next meal with the same eagerness as an All-American on draft night. For a frame of reference on the pedestal I place the importance of meals, my brother and I devised the perfect vacation back when we were in middle school and it was to travel around from place to place eating and doing nothing else. I still plan to go on that trip.

The food that is available in my parents’ kitchen is miles ahead of what I had in my college apartment. They have vegetables. The irony of this virus is that I am probably healthier now than I have ever been because I am actually getting vitamins for the first time since I stopped eating the Flintstones ones.

I should mention that I am not alone in this house; my mother who is a high school math teacher is also here. We have had the same six or seven conversations since social distancing began. They consist of us both acknowledging our boredom, talking about how windy/rainy it is, updating the case count in Missouri and complaining about how difficult education is right now.

Anyway, after lunch it’s time for leisure activities. I first begin by looking at social media to see what the leader of the free world, who happens to be the human form of a bowl of lukewarm SpaghettiO’s (that might be an insult to SpaghettiO’s) has done now and how the yee-yee boys are defending it. To half of the people I went to high school with, COVID-19 was somehow created by Obamacare. Thanks, Obama.

After I get tired of reading deep state conspiracies, I search on TV for something to watch. Since coronavirus has taken away the thing I love third-most in the world (behind Jesus and my family), live sports, I must look elsewhere for entertainment. I normally settle on sports reruns because I am a complex man with various tastes.

The rest of the day is as follows: dinner, watch boring crime procedurals or Food Network with my parents, look for shows to stream on the multitude of platforms I am subscribed to (maybe that’s why I am broke), maybe read a book if I am feeling intellectual and then go to bed because I have nothing better to do.

It’s not a very interesting routine, but it’s better than being a piece of human scum endangering the lives of others by not social distancing.

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