It’s that time of year again. The time when a bunch of guys who could barely see the field in high school try to pretend they understand what Patrick Mahomes goes through during the Super Bowl. No, by all means, Dylan, you were the third-string punter on a 40-man roster in small-town Missouri, but please give me valuable insight into what Kermit with a cannon is thinking as he drops back to pass. You guys need help.
So, if you are a football bro looking to maximize the fun for your hopefully limited watch party, here are some tips.
First, breaking news: women can also like football. And more importantly, they don’t need to know every person who has ever played the sport for their fandom to be accepted. I swear if another one of you sweaty has-beens asks a woman if she knew the Chiefs quality control coach in 1977, I’m going to call upon an ancient deity to curse you and make your feet always slightly cold no matter the situation.
Second, don’t tell me that the pregame video package got you “hype.” I couldn’t even begin to care how excited you are to sit in the same place for the next five hours on the couch. Yes, the rest of us have also heard Imagine Dragons music before, and most of us consider them to be Coldplay for people that watch sports highlights on Instagram alone in their room. You being amped for a game you are in no way involved in matters so little, it could be an opinion from a QAnon supporter.
Finally, don’t be a phone guy during the game, and don’t spoil the game. My name isn’t Gary and I don’t have a depressing marriage and an aloof relationship with my children. That means I don’t pay for cable, so my game stream will most likely be a few minutes behind the actual real-life game. So, don’t look at Twitter and then look back at me with a rye smile. I’ll slap the taste so far out of your mouth, you’ll wake up and think “Grey’s Anatomy” is well-written.
So, sit there, shut up and enjoy the Chiefs being in the Super Bowl. The team used to have as much chance of winning a title as you did of winning over your crush by saying blatantly misogynistic comments about how women’s sports aren’t real sports.