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I’m about to dust off a take so cold it would make my ex-girlfriend’s heart look like the sun in comparison. Christmas should not be celebrated until after Thanksgiving.

I know, I know, some of you are groaning because you already agree with this. Meanwhile, others are preparing to play their poorly constructed playlist of the same 11 Christmas songs sung by every mediocre pop artist who realized they weren’t good enough to sell records.

Hear me out though. I have a few theories as to why these people celebrate Christmas too early.

The first theory is that these people’s families can’t cook. If you are looking forward to skipping the celebration of Thanksgiving — the most glorious eating day of the year — I’m just going to assume you have some burnt casserole, under seasoned mashed potatoes and dry turkey at your gathering. I apologize your family has no skill in the kitchen, but that doesn’t excuse saying “merry Christmas” the second week of November.

The other theory is that these people are plants for Mariah Carey. I quite literally don’t know a single thing about her other than that she sings “All I Want for Christmas Is You,” and she was married to Nick Cannon — yikes. She needs Christmas to make money, and the longer Christmas lasts, the more money she makes.

She needs people to get the ball rolling, and the Christmas whovillians are deployed in force to help her grow the size of her check. They bombard us decent folk with decorations and festive clothes, trying to trigger a pavlovian response with Carey’s song.

Capitalism, baby.

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