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We are in the age of cancel culture, according to people who like to be bigots and then are shocked when they have to pay consequences for it. We, as a society, have canceled everything from racists to homophobes to people who genuinely believe “Cars 2” is good — it’s the worst Pixar movie, no question. However, why haven’t we canceled having a cold?

We have been living in a Panera Bread — or St. Louis Bread Company if you are a bad person — since March 2020. Every time I’ve gotten a sore throat in the past 18 months, I’ve thought I had the coronavirus — I was actually right once.

It’s exhausting to have to get a deep tissue massage for your brain with a Q-tip whenever you wake up feeling sick, just to make sure you don’t have Cocoa Pebbles. And when you inevitably test negative for the communist virus — that’s what my uncle calls it — then you feel bad for wasting everyone’s time.

Plus, no one feels bad for you if you are just normal sick now. Every “don’t come to class if you’re sick” message should have “*with cornucopia-19” next to it. Nobody cares if you have a cold buddy, suck it up. There’s no possible way the professor could just send you the slides they read word for word for the entirety of class.

If we truly have the power to cancel anyone or anything, I propose that, as a society, we focus on the common cold. The people that tweeted or emailed misogynistic comments as full-grown adults in the 21st century can wait a little longer before being held accountable.

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