Features logo

Every week, I like to pick up the Northwest Missourian.

I skip right past the opinion page, regurgitating the same talking points and crusading against the evil that is cancel-culture. I especially like the “Don’t call yourself a feminist if you’re a man. But use this label I invented that means the same thing, except I came up with it.”

I always like to check out “The Stroller” to see what insight is brought to the table this time.

“Amateur rapper should stop” — even though everybody starts out as an “amateur.”

“Nobody cares about your truck”—  even though the whole article is dedicated to telling them how much we don’t care. Bravo.

However, this week’s piece, “Clear the peanut butter aisle,” really took the cake. I had to read through it a few times to really pick up on the satire. Still not sure if I could find any.

Your insight leads me to believe you are a much more enlightened individual than the rest of us lowly serfs. And hey, I get it. I also resent the fact I’m not the only person on the planet. I hate having to wait for some moron to get out of my way. Because a simple “excuse me” is far out of the question for these savages.

“Oh, you’re looking to save money wherever you can? Jesus, just get more money. It’s not that hard.”

And f--- the employees too, while we’re at it. Heaven forbid they have other responsibilities while they’re on the clock. Lazy bastards. You know, I think they should have workers waiting by the door to carry me around the store so I don’t have to even touch that disgusting floor.

Could you please give me directions to the supercenter you shop at? Because clearly we don’t go to the same Walmart Inc. The only people who talk to me on my weekly trips are the boy scouts selling popcorn outside. I have never encountered the health gurus or political evangelists you seem to attract. Almost makes me think you’re making it up.

Almost. But, I respect journalistic integrity too much to believe you would use the anonymity of “The Stoller” to punch down at people you don’t even know. I mean, you yourself said you’re not there to talk or even make eye contact. Everybody knows fully-formed observation requires outside perspectives and discussion.

Satire was originally created to call attention to the short-sightedness and self absorption of those in power, without getting your head chopped off. It’s not satire to turn your nose up at people and look at them with disgust.

I always thought “The Stroller” was in reference to the idea of a person walking around, making observations about the world. I was wrong. A stroller is something that holds a baby in place, so they can whine and cry without disrupting too many people.

I have a suggestion for the topic of your next ride in “The Stroller.”

“Your Bearcat wants you to know exactly how much better than you they are.” I think that’s a topic you can really sink your teeth into.

(0) comments

Welcome to the discussion.

Keep it Clean. Please avoid obscene, vulgar, lewd, racist or sexually-oriented language.
Don't Threaten. Threats of harming another person will not be tolerated.
Be Truthful. Don't knowingly lie about anyone or anything.
Be Nice. No racism, sexism or any sort of -ism that is degrading to another person.
Be Proactive. Use the 'Report' link on each comment to let us know of abusive posts.
Share with Us. We'd love to hear eyewitness accounts, the history behind an article.