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It makes sense, I guess, that the lobby at the McDonald’s in town closes at 11 p.m. And the fact that Taco Bell shuts its doors at 10 p.m. is alright, too, but it sure feels a little early.

But now HyVee closes from 1-5 a.m. and the Walmart in town does, too. Separately, these are all perfectly logical choices made by businesses who don’t want to staff an overnight crew to deal with mostly no one other than probably-drunk college students.

Combined, though, all these businesses closing their doors before bedtime is an outrage, a scandal — an affront to human rights. Where am I supposed to loiter in the middle of the night if not the lobbies of low-brow fast-food chains or the dairy sections of national grocery stores?

It’s not like I can have my SafeRide driver take me through the drive-thru, which is a crock in its own right. And I’ve yet to meet a designated driver willing to take me to St. Joseph, Missouri. And I guess there’s always Senor Burrito for a late-night weekend option, but if I’m drunk leaving Molly’s alone on a Friday, that’s probably enough disappointment for one night.

And what about on weeknights, when I’m just laying in bed awake thinking about Patrick Mahomes? It’s not like I can just put those thoughts on hold.

Anyway. Loitering in the dorms, surrounded by resident assistants who take their job a little too seriously, isn’t much of an option. Developing healthy sleep habits is a non-starter. I have no intention to make good choices, I really just want a local business to enable some poor ones.

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