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Remember the good old days when people could smoke cigarettes in restaurants? And the even better days when they forced smoking sections into said restaurants so smokers could sip their chemical cocktails without disturbing the non-smokers? Well, I think this same concept should be implemented in restaurants today, except instead of non-smoking sections, there should be no-baby sections.

What do babies and cigarettes have in common? They’re a disturbance to others, they smell and they take years off your life. Customers mentally prepare themselves for their restaurant experience to be slightly tainted the minute they are seated near a baby, much like one would feel if seated near someone smoking. For these reasons, many people without babies, such as myself, would rather enjoy a meal in a separate place, free from the contamination of babies.

Everyone who goes out to restaurants has been the victim of a nearby screaming baby disrupting the peace at least once in their lives. But I think circumstances could be different. Imagine walking into a restaurant, one comparable to a hospital delivery wing, say, Texas Roadhouse.

You are greeted with a smile and asked, “Babies or no babies?”

“No babies,” you respond proudly.

As you cross the restaurant, you sneak a glance at the “Babies” section — chaos. A server dodges oversized strollers, rushing to replace spilled drinks, while desperate mothers attempt to calm their screaming miracles. Another server directs you to a table in a separate room, surrounded by adults speaking in normal tones. They are relaxed and happy, like a 10-pound weight was lifted off their shoulders, when really it was just a move to another section of the restaurant. An entire meal goes by, and there is no baby to be seen or heard.

Babies are an easy target to hate on, but it’s not their fault they are helpless drunks who rely on screaming as their main form of communication. They didn’t choose to be at the restaurant and from the sound of it, they aren’t enjoying themselves either. Of course the parents are the ones responsible for bringing them into the restaurant, so they can go sit in the cool baby section, at least until babies get legally banned completely from inside restaurants.

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