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Today’s college sophomores are essentially freshmen with darker bags under their eyes. The pandemic robbed them of the “college experience” and indoctrinated them into the ways of online finals and no football games.

With Homecoming this week, approximately half of the undergraduates — well, actually less because there are way fewer freshmen this year; I guess Bobby Bearcat isn’t doing the kind of numbers he used to in rural Nebraska — have no clue what to expect. Well, let this anonymous person tell you.

Expect disappointment. Halloween and Homecoming falling on the same weekend seems like a recipe for epicness, but in reality, you will be showing up to the exact same parties in more uncomfortable clothing.

Also, whoever planned this Homecoming utterly biffed the theme decision. You have the opportunity to host Homecoming weekend on Halloween, and you choose to do a non-Halloween-related theme? Oh goody, I can’t wait to see how every decade-inspired float in the parade will be the same Volkswagen design from the late ‘60s. So cool.

The one possible bright spot could be the actual reason for Homecoming — the volleyball team. Oh, you thought I was going to say football. Well, seeing as how the football game will take place when many of you are facedown in the grass lot, I figured volleyball may be a better option.

It happens at night. It’s indoors and another excuse to pay for concession nachos. It’s also an easier sport to follow, as essentially it’s just a super competitive version of not letting the balloon hit the ground that you played as a child. A volleyball game is the purest Homecoming activity.

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