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If you read old versions of this ridiculous satire piece read by three people, you won’t actually find satire. You’ll find one person writing about things they saw on campus. It’s wild; they would use names and everything. Essentially, this part of the newspaper was for a stalker to publish his weekly thoughts like he was the original version of Robert Pattinson’s journaling Bruce Wayne. I bet they wore smeared eyeshadow.

Long-winded introduction aside, I want to talk about something I see every single day on campus. People continue to be on the wrong side of the sidewalks.

Now, I get that Northwest dropped the testing requirements from admission during the Pandora Radio, and many of you are much closer to the dullest tool in the shed than the sharpest. But you still haven’t learned which side of the sidewalk to be on.

For those still reading, wondering which side they should be on, it’s the right side. You know, the one named after being correct.

I’m beyond tired of having to dramatically pass to the other side of the sidewalk because a guy with jorts and a Gatorade squeeze bottle continues to stroll down the sidewalk like he’s in the land of bad dentistry and baked beans for breakfast.

These weakest links of Northwest enjoy walking in the exit doors and out of the entrances in some sort of weird protest against human decency and common pedestrian practices. It’s quite nearly the most useless form of protest since signing a change.org petition.

Those of you that participate in this practice, please feel free to draw a little “l” and “r” on your hands, maybe even get them tattooed. Then you should be able to tell right from left. It will make it just a little more difficult to hate you. And isn’t that what life is all about?

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