Going to Walmart Inc. is, by itself, a rough experience. The parking lot makes no sense. The Subway to the left of the grocery entrance is just begging me to spend money. There are employees everywhere, except when you actually need one.
Somehow, though, the worst part of my shopping experience is you, my fellow shopper. And no, this doesn’t apply to every single shopper in Walmart Inc., but it sure seems like it applies to most of you.
Why are you constantly oblivious to the fact that you’re in my way? Why have you been scanning the peanut butter shelves for 48 seconds like the options have suddenly changed since the last time you bought peanut butter? I promise, nothing’s changed.
I honestly can’t tell who’s worse. Is it the local's ill-fitting tank tops clogging the canned goods aisles, filling the baskets on their electric carts with low-quality Great Values?
Or is it the college students filling their carts with frozen pizza, almond milk and Busch Light, because fresh produce is clearly overpriced, overrated and always gets stolen out of the fridge at the frat house.
I appreciate all the commodities that the superstore offers. I like how the parking lot is, like, entirely one-way. Big fan of the liquor section being a brisk 10-minute walk from the door. And I love how the bathrooms inspire me to buy enough hand sanitizer to go home and bathe in it.
But lately, my trips are taking too long.
I’m going to Walmart Inc. to shop and avoid eye contact. I’m going to Walmart Inc. to steal half my groceries at the self-checkout.
I’m not going to Walmart Inc. to get lectured by one stranger on the importance of buying dairy-free dairy products and told by another stranger to make sure I vote Republican.
I’ve got AirPods on for a reason, so don’t talk to me. Just get the groceries you came for, go get those free samples, and, please, get the hell out of the way.