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Alright, that was enough; we can go back to wearing masks now.

Some of you will misunderstand my desire as some “lefty need to be controlled by the Orwellian state because you’re a sheep and I’m a wolf” sentiment. First of all, those of you who call wearing masks a symptom of Orwellian oppression, dawg, we know you didn’t read “1984.” Y’all don’t read chapter books — they intimidate you.

Second, I just don’t want to see the lower half of your face.

Whenever we were at the height of the Pangea, I was free to imagine what the lower half of your face looked like. And let me tell you, the pearly whites that I sculpted in my wonderful imagination to fit in your face look much better than the set you’ve got now. How is it possible that, for all of you, the worst half of your face is the lower one?

Back in the mask days, the only person who had to suffer through your bad breath was you. Now, I gotta smell the beer breath you guys are serving hot and fresh every morning. They should start selling mouthwash at bars.

I also got used to mouthing the insults I would have just thought in a pre-CoComelon society, and I still have not adapted to not doing that. I accidentally mouthed “moron” at a professor earlier this week, and, uh, he full-on saw me.

Luckily, he reads lips about as well as he reads through our discussion posts before giving us full credit. I was able to pass it off that I was talking to myself about it being Monday. Since I’m an actual moron, he believed I would need to remind myself the days of the week as preschoolers do.

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