One of the most prevalent personality traits among the eternally boring and insufferable people in my life is their unfounded hatred of TikTok. They believe — just like the guy who peaked in high school that was too cool to dance to the wobble at prom — that their nonparticipation in popular culture somehow makes them more interesting than everyone else.
It’s important to remember that these “anti-Tokers” — who are direct siblings to the people that post on social media about how they will be taking a break from social media — are just another branch on the tree of pretentiousness that includes people who only drink pour-over coffee and guy that mansplains to women that they don’t really understand “The Wolf of Wall Street.”
I can feel some of you saying to no one in particular, “What about the fact that the Chinese government has access to your information because of TikTok?” Great, I’m sure they will be able to greatly utilize the minuscule amount of personal information linked to my account and the fact that I’m a sucker for any Megan Thee Stallion songs.
These brave few stand in the face of an app that supplies them with a perfectly good source of entertainment, and we should applaud them for it. No, it’s not at all exhausting to have to stop mid-conversation in a group setting to try and catch you up on an extremely popular TikTok trend so you understand what’s happening in the conversation, just for you to say something like, “Oh yeah I’ve never even downloaded TikTok.”
What’s even better about these people is that they will often decide to hate something merely because it’s connected to TikTok. It was super endearing when I had a friend go from loving a song I was playing in my car to hating it in four seconds when I told him that I first heard it on TikTok. Jake, I had to overcome the fact that you were from Council Bluffs, Iowa, so you can overcome the fact that I heard this song on an app first and didn’t magically happen upon it while wandering through a forest.
So thank you to those of you who still haven’t downloaded TikTok. Please continue to show us TikToks you saw on Instagram six months after the rest of us saw them. You definitely aren’t reinforcing the idea that you are a pompous and wretched person to spend time with.