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I bought the condoms. I borrowed the handcuffs. I shaved my legs that hadn’t seen the business end of a razor in a long time.

All this work for less than seven minutes of disappointment.

Listen, I don’t mean to sound harsh, but if I come over for some down and dirty fun, don’t finish within three minutes and not help me out. It’s not fun or fair.

Cuddling with pillow talk is fine, but not what I needed. I put in the effort of making the hour and a half drive, bringing the supplies, dressing in the most revealing outfit I have and, again, shaving my legs so they are smoother than a baby seal. I should at least get 15 minutes of fun.

I understand it’s been a while since you got action, sweetie, but this is pathetic even for a three-month dry spell.

Next time we agree to bump uglies, please be prepared. There are plenty of websites where you can get some endurance practice. I implore you to visit those sites or even ask for nudes. Seriously.

Even if you can’t last long, try and help me out instead of just calling it quits. It’s so rude to leave a lady hanging.

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