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Holidays have rules. For Memorial Day, one must get drunk on a pontoon boat because somehow that honors our troops who have died in battle — side note but the people posting about how Memorial Day is “more than just a day” on Facebook are normally the drunkest on that day. In the case of Halloween, you must be emotionally scarred by your neighbor answering the door in nothing but stained underwear — maybe that one only applies to me.

And for some reason, you can’t wear white after Labor Day. Fine, I’m a rule follower so I’ll abide, except why? And also can someone clarify this rule?

Does this moratorium on white apply to all garments? People only seem to point out the rule infraction when I’m wearing my best Hanes undershirt at a darty. So, does it only apply to shirts? I literally only have white shoes because I choose to live my life in constant fear of dirt and rainwater, so I guess I’ll be going barefoot for a while.

Also when does this rule end? Technically, it’s always after Labor Day and also always before Labor Day until it’s literally Labor Day — some of you will need to reread that four times. I just want to know the expiration date on this fashion statute.

Did the worst kind of people — astrology girls — do this? They already ruined small talk and birthdays. Do I need to wait until Jessica’s rising moon is in cayenne pepper before I can go out in my eggshell hoodie again?

I’m assuming an insufferable old, white woman decided to come up with this stupid Labor Day rule because Judith upstaged her with a white frock at their butter churning event in the 19th century. So, could someone simply contact her living relative and ask her the rules, please.

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