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Just when you didn’t think Maryville could get any whiter, we got like eight inches of snow, and I’m here for it. Sure the pristine pale snow is already turning the color of a sewer root beer float, but even brown sludgy snow is still snow. This frozen water makes everything better.

Snow makes every single road trip an adventure. Before the blizzard, I would drive around Maryville in the same boring monotonous pattern encountering the same things. It was like replaying the same terrible track in Mario Kart — Shy Guy Beach — over and over. Seemingly an eternity of time was wasted stuck behind some minivan with a Spoofhounds bumper sticker that always had to turn left on Main Street as a shift change happened at Kawasaki.

Now, I get to almost die every time I get in my car; it’s like gambling with my life. I think my favorite game might be trying to guess ahead of time which random streets get plowed every 15 minutes and which ones haven’t been touched since the football team won a national title.

Possibly the best part of snow is that my feet are constantly damp. I mean each step in the Paris of Nodaway County ends with snow up to my shins. It’s like a free workout. And after I finally reach my destination, I get rewarded with moist socks that won’t dry no matter how long I’m inside. I’ve heard hypothermia is a great way to lose limbs, which means I’m technically on a weight loss program walking around with my not waterproof tennis shoes.

So I’ll keep enjoying the weather. Maybe I’ll assert my dominance over winter by wearing shorts next time I’m out.

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