Features logo

Everyone’s favorite alien parasite cosplaying as a computer science nerd with daddy issues lost $7 billion on Monday. Mark Zuckerberg lost a mere fraction of his total net worth because Facebook and Instagram didn’t work for the majority of the day. He’s not the only one who lost something yesterday, though.

Anti-vaxxers and racists had to find another outlet to share their unwanted opinions. Most of them likely resorted to going outside and yelling their garbage takes at clouds — amazingly, many of them somehow managed to misspell words longer than one syllable while speaking.

People whose day of birth was Oct. 4 technically didn’t even have a birthday. In the 21st century, birthdays don’t count unless a person you haven’t talked to in six months makes an overly aggressive Instagram post with the caption, “Screaming Happy Birthday to my best friend!”

I guess a birthday also counts if a parent posts an ugly childhood photo of you looking like a gremlin and the most recent photo they have of you on Facebook. These photos are often somehow related to the fact that your parents “can’t believe how fast you’ve grown up,” even though you aged at the normal rate.

Finally, we were all robbed of the one guy — presumably named Tyler or Gage — who has continually posted on his story about how “Certified Lover Boy,” is the greatest rap album of all time. Tyler, or Gage, has never even heard of Outkast or MF Doom, nor has he listened to a Notorious B.I.G. album all the way through, but he’s ready to make that call.

(0) comments

Welcome to the discussion.

Keep it Clean. Please avoid obscene, vulgar, lewd, racist or sexually-oriented language.
PLEASE TURN OFF YOUR CAPS LOCK.
Don't Threaten. Threats of harming another person will not be tolerated.
Be Truthful. Don't knowingly lie about anyone or anything.
Be Nice. No racism, sexism or any sort of -ism that is degrading to another person.
Be Proactive. Use the 'Report' link on each comment to let us know of abusive posts.
Share with Us. We'd love to hear eyewitness accounts, the history behind an article.